Friday, July 22, 2005

It's Completely Over

This blog is no longer being updated with any kind of regularity.

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Wonka! Human!

I was somewhat wrong about Burton's version of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". I predicted an utter abortion, but after seeing the movie, I was really entertained by it. This movie is stuffed full of odd, bizzare and seemingly nonsensical tangents at time, but stays fairly honest to the story we all know and love (Even those of us who never read the book).

The first act of this movie was better than the original. It was great not to have to suffer through "Cheer Up Charlie" and the grandparents all had more distinct personalities. In terms of Charlie and Grandpa Joe, I'd say they are equals with their filmic predecessors. Really sympathetic and wonderful opening to this film. Once it gets into the chocolate factory things do slow down a little. It's always fun and there's always something interesting going on, but sometimes it just stops being fun for any purpose. We get very little character development throughout the second or third act (except of Wonka, in a unique and dark side story). The movie is packed, stuffed to its gills, but it's still unable to deliver very much information in the latter part of the film. There are still a lot of great moments and laughs, though.

Overall, I give the contest to the original film by well over 20 Movie Points. I'll take it. I'm so glad Burton was able to really nail a lot of parts of this movie. It seems like the old Burton again. I really, really recommend seeing it on the big screen.

Just wanted to update to admit that I was mistaken about that movie! I am human!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Oh no he didn't!!!

OH YES I DID!!! Just when you were ready to write off "It's Complicated" for the day, I'm coming back at you with the link of the century/decade/year/month/week/day/work shift.

Imagine some guy with a small dick, right? Ok, good. So he's driving along in his Hummer. Soon enough, though, he starts hearing just what all the rest of us think about people who drive Hummers. He starts to get depressed again. If only I used my Hummer to do some off-roading, like it's designed for, I would be cool. I could justify driving myself around in this beast/machine. But of course small-dicked guy has a busy schedule. His day is packed to the gills ever since he needed 2 hours a day to fill his car up with gas.

Enter Spray-on-Mud.

You know what, finish this entry yourself. For one thing the joke makes itself. For another, I don't got time! Still tired, too.

I'm Not Tired.

Meesa too tired to post any good info today. All I can think about is S11 and sleep.

Cat Stevens(Yusuf Islam/Sheryl Crow) originally sang "The First Cut Is The Deepest" and in the same way, the last hours are the longest. Work is for jerks and Turks. Besides being tired, which is only natural on the kind of sleep I'm getting, I am also upset about work because all the people I knew and was friendly with have been promoted or left the company. The promotions I still get to see and talk to, but not nearly as often and only under the vast umbrella of workplace politics. As for those who left the storied Mark Burnett Productions to seek other pastures, God only knows what kinds of tortures they ran into. May Burnett have mercy on their soul.

I was gonna post this picture of a sleeping child, but Flickr is being a big baby. I know I need to make the jump to Imageshack, but I just haven't taken the time to do it yet. Get off my back! I didn't ask to start this blog, you know.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Full Bombs Detonated!!!

Despite the pleadings of Steve-0 and his pants and his sperm count, I must continue to utilize the awesome power of the bullet point in my posts. I like the way it is streamlined. On my current projects list is creating a whole new (hopefully original) template for this blog. Don't get me wrong, the gloomy black design has served me very, very well. Blackie, without you I wouldn't even know how to blog. I love this template, man. I love it more than I can stand. When you let me into your html and I put links all over your sidebar, you make me feel like a natural blogger. You make me want to be a better blogger. You had me at "It's Complicated".

Let the bullets begin!!!

  • Big congrats to Taylor and Desiree on their engagement. I'm headed back to the Fort in late July for one wedding and it looks like it won't be long before I have to go to another wedding there. Hopefully they will get a great reggae band and a Jaggermeister machine. How romantic.

  • The main thing on my mind this week, in terms of things I am willing to share with you, dear reader, is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I am on record (ask Joe) as saying that this movie is going to be bad. I don't have any faith in Tim Burton, especially when it comes to remakes. I do believe in Johnny Depp and I think he's a great choice for this role. If someone has to attempt to match Gene Wilder's original, magical performance (and I still don't really understand how they had to) then I wouldn't want anyone other than Depp. As a huge fan of the original movie and one who never read the Dahl book (yet), I am filled with trepidation over this movie. The trailers have done little to inspire confidence, looking only like a slick, glossy and corporately-zaney redub of the original.

    As for all you people telling me that this one is different, that it's not a remake because this one is based on the booOOooOook, shut the fuck up. What a boring thing to say. I so expected that from you. I haven't read the book, but that doesn't make me any less concerned about the legacy and sanctity of the movie. I could go on for quite some time on the issue of the new Chocolate Factor movie, as it is something I feel strongly about, but I don't want to scare any readers away. I'll leave that to the new Oompa Loompas:

  • Might to see The Aristocrats later this week with Tommy G. It's a hundred comedians each telling their own version of an old, classic, reallyfuckin'dirty joke. I'm bringing a diaper for all the pee I pee out from laughter.

  • Baked, not fried. It's the health conscious choice.

  • Have you seen all these news stories over some girl who got kidnapped while on a "relaxing" vacation to Carlos 'n' Charlies in Aruba??? Wow, what a media shit storm. Good link. While I wouldn't quite say "Fuck Natalee Holloway" (she's probably dead, that's gross), I certainly don't care about her disappearance. That is simply one of the risk high school seniors run when they go out and drink in other countries. (P.S. think the media would've gone this apeshit if I'd been kidnapped while on my high school graduation bender down in Cozumel??? no.) There are reasons for this (America's higher drinking age, economic troubles in other countries, the cold, black heart of man) and of course everyone and their mother thinks they have the solution (blame the parents, blame Aruba, blame Carlos, blame Charlie's, blame the CIA, blame the school, blame the police, blake Bush, blame Canada, blame video games) none of this is going to stop underaged kids from drinking illegally and irresponsibly. It's only going to stop you from hearing about the real news. Ha!

  • I'd like to hire a sky-writer to write a message for me. Something about karate and destruction, but in a code. Then I can look at whoever I'm with, tell them I gotta go and zip off into the night. I don't think they can do sky writing at night. Maybe a huge banner with neon lights. "Blake, The governor needs you. Black belt alert. Full bombs detonated."

  • Any of you following this Karl Rove mess??? Here's a link to how the White House is choosing to handle this situation. First declare the Rove innocent and promise swift justice to the evil-doers who leaked the name. Then, shut up, refuse to talk about it and sulk. It's strange how little press this story is getting and how slow things are moving. Very, very strange. Welcome to Freedom Town.

  • Kill, kill, kill the white man. This is a totally random link. Enjoy.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Bullets Point At Your Face!

I gotta do this one quickly. Looks like we're gonna get to leave the sweatshop a little early today and I want to use that extra time to prepare a meal for my family.

  • Here's a great read for all you who like mixing politics, history and comix!!! Check out this great read called "This Godless Communism". I found it very objective and informative. Wait, no I don't. The sad part is that a lot of kids probably did. Not that it's bad that Soviet-style Communism has been defeated, of course. History is fun and filled with colorful pictures. Blood is red.

  • Wait, did that Steve Martin abortion, The Pink Panther come out yet? I thought it had come and gone without any fuss, but I guess i was wrong. Mark your calendars, kiddies, for its Febuary 10 release date. No, don't kill yourself, just mark your calendar.

  • Special thanks to my good friend Andrew Korn, who broke the box office slump by going to see Fantastic Four despite the warnings of three of his close friends and the Surgeon General.

  • I had meant to update you all on my Friday night, (which involved hip eateries, bacon dogs, scientologists, a head shop run by tweakers that was open until the wee hours of the morn and a jewelry salesman named Moses who wouldn't talk to us until we bought some pizza) It was one of the more LA weekends I have ever had. Amazingly I still had fun

  • Speaking of head shops, here's some interesting drug-related news for your minds. First, San Fransisco knows about health! Down with fast food, up with medicinal marijuana. This next link isn't news as much as history. Please enjoy a pretty yellow article about the original intents of the marijuana criminalization effort. Down with Harry Anslinger! I'm sure he's already dead! I feel vindicated!

  • Steve-o. I have responded to one of your comments recently with a question. Will you see if you know the answer? I guess I could always ask you directly rather than this impossible nonsense.

  • I think if I got more random, amateur boobies sent to me via email that I would just be a happier person. Ladies, help a brother make it through. You can even fantasize that I'm good looking.

  • Booyakashah. It's all about Ali G. Finally I'm caught up on season two. I watched the whole thing in one sitting and laughed my ass off. I might have to get cable again once the third season springs to life. That man alone is worth the price of cable and the price of getting tons and tons of crap programming dumped onto my Tivo. Some of my friends (no names, but they are rather emphatic) dismiss performance artists. I think it's because of the associations with high, snobby, artsy type art that is typically produced by such a genre, but ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Ali G is a performance artist. Probably the best one I've ever seen.

Told you this was gonna be short, but I bet you didn't think it was gonna be pointless. Well...

Monday, July 11, 2005

Today Is the Greatest

Note to self: Stay healthy. Save money.

Total car costs: $660.

Total vomits: 7-10

Today was not my day. Wasting sick days actually being sick is for chumps and vomiters. I don't hang with that pack of sissies. Sickness is a bunch of crap. Thinking of death while you're walking your dog is not any kind of way to make it through life in rugged Little Armenia. These people have no pity. They know what real suffering is, you spoiled American brat. While you were vomitting our people were massacred. I just slink away, clutching my stomach, which is attempting to turn inside out.