Saturday, August 07, 2004

Take some action

Here's an opportunity for all you idiots who read my blog to give me some payment. First, send me a quarter. Second, click on this link to sign a petition. Thank you internet. God of information. This petition is asking for the FCC to back the fuck off. I'm so sick and tired of them. With the FCC, it always seems to be a case of give them an inch and they take a mile. Does anyone remember those testimonies over Janet Jackson's nipple? I can't think of anything funnier than a bunch of old men who have to wake up twice a night to piss in their ratty old white boxers sitting around talking about a boobie. RELAXXXXXXXXXXX idiots.

Anyway, sign the petition. That's the power of the internet. You can do things without doing anything. I signed the petition in my underwear.

P.S. Since you're all sitting there picturing me in my underwear now, let me tell you that my underwears are awesome. Much cooler than white boxer shorts.

Save me. Save me. I'm afraid Dave. I'm a.......fraid.

You guys do realize that the second I start getting laid this blog is dead, don't you? I mean, I know that's not quite enough to instill fear in your hearts, but just be warned.

Vindictive lil bitch

Sometimes in my endless, meandering wanderings on the web, I come across some really strange and disturbing things.

Good God...

I remember being a teenager and being depressed all the time. Actually not all the time. Sometimes I was depressed and sometimes I felt like I could do anything on earth that I wanted. That's a weird combination of emtions. I guess that this girl felt both of those while she was planning what she wanted to do. Depression at not being understood and being told that she was wrong, and unbridled passion in feeling that what she was doing was right and that she would be justified and vindiated in the end.

I'm nervous to have kids. They might kill me. And if they did it's 100% certain that they'd smoke some marijuana or "devil weed" before they did it.

P.S. I've been trying to post this same post for 12 hours. Fuck the internet (just kidding baby. you know i love you. keep the porno coming!! [and me too{gross}])

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Be pro-active!

If you want to make me feel better, fucking EMAIL ME! I haven't gotten a single email from you ungrateful bastards.

I don't like food anymore.

Well bloggers and blogettes, I never promised you nothing but roses and baby horses. I'm getting pissed off. Actually, not pissed off. Pissed off is ok. I like being pissed off because I can funnel that into action. I like being happy, too. But today is not one of those days for one of the emotions I like. Today's a day for bewildering and seemingly uninspired sadness. It's one of those days where you drive around feeling like Strong Sad and wanting to listen to some sad bastard singer/songwriter like Nick Drake or Elliott Smith. My favorite lately has actually been Iron and Wine.

It's the kind of day when you need a handful of sleeping pills and a bottle of wine.

I bashed my own doorknob with a big rock earlier today.

Well, I'm not gonna sit here and bitch. It's not like anybody understands you when you're in this mood anyways.

Freakin' idiot

This is the best day of my life!

I just paid $79 for a locksmith to come and spend literally less than 30 seconds to unlock my door for me. That fucking thief. He spent more time filling out the credit card form than he did opening my door.

Now I get to go to WORK! LATE!

It's enough to make you lose the ability to get boners for the rest of your life.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

SHAQ VS. KOBE! ON THE COURT AND IN COURT!

And while we're on the subject of sports, do you think tickets for this day in Kobe's trial will sell for as much as tickets to the first Lakers vs. Heat games? How funny would it be to see Shaq on the stand testifying against Kobe. I'm sure he'd be a character witness or something, testifying as to how many women Kobe had on the road.

"I don't get it, man. Kobe never wanted to pass inside to me, but apparently he was more than willing to go inside all these bitches." -- SHAQ!!!!!! FU!!!!!!!

P.S. If you get me tickets to a Lakers/Heat game this season, you're at the center of the universe.

Quincy Carter no longer a starter!

Quincy Carter is gone, and the word on the street is that he's gone as Cowboys QB because he failed a team administered drug test. QUINCY! Whatever, that dude was inconsistent as they come. Granted our only other options are the 40 year old Testaverde and the "Oh shit, i don't wanna play baseball anymore" wunderkid Drew Henson.

I'm happy about this because otherwise Carter would have started the season. He's just not a high enough caliber QB for the Dallas Cowboys. Period. MAYBE he could start on another team, but they'd suck. Now the Cowboys can begin their hunt for a true QB in earnest. Does Henson have it in him to become the man? We're gonna have to find out a lot sooner now. In the interim, Testaverde is about as solid and smart a quarterback as we can ask for (for the money). I'm ready to hear the jokes about our 40 year old quarterback.

Another reason this is a good thing is that it shows that the Cowboys are serious. That bullshit period in the 90's when we were the joke of the nation because everyone on our team was a criminal is over with. This cut comes as a result of an IN TEAM test. Good work, guys. I mean, I can't say that I approve of not allowing players to smoke pot, but unfortunately the league does.

Ricky Williams quit football to smoke pot full time.
The Flatlanders. Great show. You really missed out, everyone who wasn't there.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

One more before work

Yup,

THIS sounds about right for the "liberal media". Anyone who listened to Kerry's speech knows that there were some pretty significant points in there, particularly one really ballsy one about the Saudi royal family and certain connections to a certain president *ahem*

And yet the most important words said at the convention were "shove it". I hate the fucking media. I don't think it's conservatively biased, either. Don't get me wrong. I just think it's FUCKING STUPID. It finds all the stupid mud and little one celled protoplasms and magnifies them into huge posters. Give me a fucking break. I don't even know what Heniz was saying "shove it" about. How about a little reporting on that? Obviously something really gets under her skin, what is it MEDIA??

And the whole Cheney thing, too. Listen, if the media gave headlines everytime I said fuck, the paper would weigh about 400 pounds, so I don't begrudge the guy that in the least. What I DO get pissed off about is the fact that he said it to someone inquiring about how much money he was making off the Iraq war via Haliburton (this is proven. He is still financially tied to that corporation). WHAT I DO GET PISSED OFF ABOUT is the fact that the FUCKING MEDIA would rather talk about his little four letter word then GET DOWN TALK about these Haliburton connections. GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS. PRESENT CHENEY WITH EVIDENCE. I don't give two fucking fuckity fuck fucks what he said. Show me what he did, or I will fucking rip your fuck organs off, whatever they may be.

(note discrepancy between words and actions. ripping someone's "fuck organs" off is actually a repulsive thought to me.)

Crosby Nash - 2004

Suddenly voting a third party doesn't seem so stupid.

I would definitely be all over this ticket. Then I'd roll it up and smoke that shit.

Oh, but in other news, and this news sucks, clicking on "Friends of Crosby/Nash" produces no mention on Neil Young. BULLSHIT!

Lindsay Lohan: like climbling the rope in gym class

Everyone keeps obsessing about Lindsay Lohan's breasts and whether or not they are real. I know you morons come here to you can know what I think (which is indisputably the truth). I think those two wonderful things are real, and I think she is probably the hottest thing in Hollywood. Oh my GODOODODODODODOD.

SHE IS DATING THAT FEZ GUY FROM THAT 70'S SHOW. What the FUUUUCKDIDDLYUCK? Anyway, I have had to deal with looking at a lot of extra fakey-fakey boobs over the past few weeks (don't ask me why. I'll get sued for 5 million dollars) and these look about as real as they come. The two pictures on the website are totally misleading. The one on the left is really emphasizing her (teehee) boobies and the one on the right they are just another beautiful portion of the beautiful 18 year old. Oh my god. Look at her tongue!!!

Masturbation is killing sperm. I'm glad there aren't any sperm activists out there. Um.... see you later. KA-PWING!!!

Monday, August 02, 2004

You mean you didn't really love Mini Me?

Oh man, sorry to do so much celebrity gossip today, but THIS is worth it!!!

Isn't it pretty obvious whether or not two people are married? Isn't that kind of not disputable? He finds himself a nice hunka hunka normie woman who doesn't mind... doing... whatever.. oh God, ew.

You know what, she deserves it all. All the money.

Why am I posting on healthcare?

I saw a great internet ad the other day. I tried to post it, but it's an ad and doesn't always appear on the page when you load it. Plus I would have had to bypass the mainframe code and reattach the binaries. I didn't feel like doing all that computer hacking, so I just downloaded an alt dot exe file and started defragging the whole thing.

Anyway, the ad said "Save the U.S. Healthcare system! End frivolous lawsuits" Of course, any reasonable person is left asking "WHAT HEALTHCARE SYSTEM???" That's like saying "Save the flying cars!"

... and frivolous lawsuits??? Granted, we've all heard the story about the lady who spilled coffee on herself and sued McDonalds a billion times, but let's face it. HMO's are evil, money grubbing corporations. THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR DEATHS. A great many of which could be easily avoided with simple medicines that the HMO's are too cheap to pay for. Save the fucking healthcare system. The fucking audacity to imply that FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS are what's wrong with the healthcare system! Here's a quick look at the numbers. It makes me want to puke my fucking lungs out but, whoops, I don't have health insurance and I sure as hell can't count on the government to help me pay for the medical costs of reinserting my lungs.

Great defense against the FACT that we are the only advanced nation in the world without health care as a basic, human right. Fucking frivolous lawsuits. If these poor, poor corporations weren't having to spend so much money on lawyers then suddenly the problem of healthcare in America would be solved.

God damn, i just fell off my soapbox, ow.

Sometimes hitting girls is funny!

Those of you who don't have the Google Toolbar yet should watch out for popups on this site, but it's totally worth it.

I am a pacifist (when sober) and would never hit anyone (unless they spilled my beer), but I'm glad that dumb bitch Paris Hilton is too dumb to date anyone who thinks like I do. I think this is the funniest story ever. That whore has everything anyone could want, wealth, power and fame (all unearned, but let's not nitpick) and she still can't protect herself from getting into an abusive relationship. I applaud anyone who beats the shit out of Paris Hilton, although I wish that instead of anonymous Backstreet Boy it was Jean Claude Van Damme.. and I wish that instead of bruises they were bulletholes in the skull and heart region. Seriously... do it right or don't do it at all.

Fuck the Paris Hilton sex tape. I want a tape of her getting beat up.

Wasted, wasted, wasted life

WELCOME laides (sic) and gentlemint (sic) to my newest obsession!!

Blockbuster is dead

I know most of you figured this out long ago, and I curse you and your father's seed for not telling me sooner. I worked at Blockbuster for something like 4 years, and the whole time I was thinking, there has got to be a better way. The ingenuity of the internet proves that there is. OK, so not only do we get rid of the hassles of your typical video store (late fees, movies that aren't in stock, limited selection, human interaction) but we also include all the BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL PORTAL OPENING POSSIBILITIES of the

world
wide
web. Which gives me a boner. BOING!

Recommendations and ratings and the ability to line up dvd's to be sent to you. I'm really enjoying this. If you rent movies often, like anywhere in the neighborhood of 2 or 3 a month, you'd probably benefit from this. Of course, I just signed up. I'll let you know if the assholes PISS ME OFF in the future.

Update of a Good Weekend

All right, I hate posting about myself, and I know that you all hate when I post about myself. I know for a fact that at least half of the people reading this site are only doing so to get information on me so they can kill me. The other half just read and make fun of me.

Regardless, I had a fun weekend and you're all going to hear about it.

Joe came back into town and has already been called "Mr. Awesome" by Korn (who is obviously harboring a secret crush on him) and "Our nucleus" by Meg (who is obviously harboring a secret crush on me. SHE'S SO HOT! DAMMIT)

So this weekend started on Friday with a HUGE Zankou meal, half chicken plate. I'm making a new claim, ready? ZANKOU IS THE JOE T.'S OF GREEK FOOD. Of course, Joe T's is in Fort Worth and Zankou is in LA, so I am one of the only people who understands that reference. Anyway, great meal.

Then we hit Rick's place and make up some drinking games with Phil's 20 sided die. After we got drunk enough, we went to the bars. The main ones we hit were The Burgandy Room (dark, crowded, overall rating: meh) and The Velvet Margarita (big, 2 bars, smoking lounge, awesome $10 margaritas, overall rating: w00t)

And of course, we saw Keifer Sutherland at The Velvet Margarita. Making him my most common celebrity sighting (other than that kid from Jurassic Park who I had a class with)

WAY TO GO KEIFER! KEEP DRINKING AND I'LL KEEP DRINKING AND SOMETIMES WE CAN DRINK AT THE SAME BAR AND I'LL MENTION IT IN MY BLOG!!!! I'm pretty sure that's the only reason he follows me around... the blog...

Saturday night I went to see Donnie Darko: The Director's Cut. We were going to see it at the Arclight, and on our way into the theater Jake Gyllenhall came out and walked right past us. There is no doubt that that was my most timely celebrity spotting ever. He looked creepy, too, like he might shoot somebody in the eye at any moment.

The movie was good, too. Different from the original. I like aspects of both of them. He changed the music in the first scene in the director's cut. I know he didn't want to use The Killing Moon originally, but it worked so well. I didn't like the new song as much. In the end, there are parts of the new cut that are bad, whereas i didn't think there was anything bad in the original. The cool additions don't really make up for it. I liked it though. Don't you take me wrong or I'll murder you.

There was more fun on Sunday. Dog park, lots of really fun stuff. But this post is already too long.

Giraffees have black tongues.